It’s been 2 years now since my Breast Cancer diagnosis but I am still adjusting. I feel well but my running has left me disappointed. I had a great run at the Lamington Classic easily managing to run a technical trail half marathon on both days and managing to remain on my feet while many tripped on the terrain. However the fatigue, muscle tightness and soreness, sore knees and depression seem to plague me. I find it hard to accept that I am so tired as I have trained harder and currently sleep better but find recovery from the hard sessions indeed recovery at all much slower.
I have attempted to reason why, reflected on my past training and concluded that I shouldn’t feel this way. I checked again the side effects of my medication. I have been taking Tamoxifen for over 18 months now. My Breast Cancer had very strong hormone receptors so taking Tamoxifen to block estrogen is a preventative measure. I believe it is this medication that is holding me back, leaving me depressed and I am starting to question whether it is worth it. I an now seeking more information and assessment of the risks with my Medical Team. I am hopeful of a solution soon.
I am physically very fit but mentally unwell. This is compounded when given my past ability and current training there is an expectation that I will continue to perform. I expect it for myself but I can’t physically do it. Mostly my mind lets me down but the body is also affected. I know what I am capable of I have to believe this is simply a roadblock temporarily in my way. I instinctively know that it is possible and I have evidence in a wide number of ultra running friends who continue to challenge the concept that age is just a number.
When I wrote about my diagnosis two years ago I considered it a speed bump and at that time it simply was. At the time I was in peak physical and mental health. I underwent surgery and quickly recovered and was able to race competitively afterwards. I finished the 6 Foot Track Marathon 2016 in a time good enough to secure a Women’s Team Trophy for the UP Coaching team. I went on to race in a 24 hour race in China finishing 3rd and secured a Boston Qualifier at the Sunshine Coast Marathon and ran the Boston Marathon in 2017 under 4 hours. But I know under different circumstances I could do better. In 2013 I ran the Boston Marathon in 3 hours 16 minutes. Since I ran Boston in 2013 I have become a better runner and achieved some amazing results. I’m not done yet.
I still very much enjoy my running and the people it connects me with. I want to run, I want to be able to push myself in my training but the side effects of the drug I take to prolong my life is limiting me. I need a solution. I don’t want to accept that this is how it will be for me. My treatment options centred around returning to running. I ran through Radiation treatment but running is practically my life. While I can accept that I won’t always be competitive that I will slow down I am not willing to accept at this time that I can’t do better. I am determined to prove that I can produce an outstanding result after Breast Cancer to provide inspiration for those who find themselves in my situation.
The last two years have been all about acceptance. Accepting I had Breast Cancer, accepting I needed treatment, accepting help and accepting that my running would be affected but it has also been frustrating. Especially now that I have recovered from the surgery and Radiation Treatment I expect to be able to resume my training. So at this time I accept that maintaining consistency in my training in the hope of building on that in the near future is my best option. I fight on. Always. There are always other amazing opportunities often hidden just around the corner.